4 years in a few days

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"


As she walked down the isle of the funeral home, Emma felt nothing. She motioned her empty heart and hardened soul through the rituals of the ceremony. People she knew walked by. People she never knew walked by. They bawled openly in front of her, shook her hands, and hugged her tight. They spoke words of commemoration and consolation. Emma was not there. She was cowering in a corner, hiding from all these hypocrites who had never lost a close relative yet dared to promise her that everything would be alright.

Emma was only ten when her mother passed away. For the past two years, Emma was living abroad away from her immediate family. May was about to come with a ticket home; but March arrived without an invitation, delivering the deadly news. She flopped onto the kitchen floor, weeping. Myriads of thoughts raced through the child's mind, "Why? Why now? Why mine? It cannot be true! It couldn't possibly be true!" Her host family tried to console her. They meant well; but in the midst of her confusion and anger, words and hugs were not what she needed. Emma bolted toward her bedroom and slammed the door shut. She stopped crying, she simply crawled under her bed and wallowed in silenced rage. Emma understood that her mother had been battling cancer for five years. She thought her mother was on the road to recovery though, after all she had been praying that God would heal her. Emma was not one to blaspheme, but she started questioning everything she had ever believed in, "Did God ignore my prayers? What kind of God selfishly takes a mother away from a ten-year-old? Is He even real?"

Sunday morning in church, Emma received more condolences, more pointless and thoughtless words. Sitting among the congregation, she wondered if Jesus had ever felt the pain of living the rest of your life without the person who sacrificed everything to give you the best. She remembered Jesus' father, Joseph, passed away when He was a young boy, but His subsequent feelings or reactions were not documented in the Bible. The sermon started, and the pastor preached about sufferings. Her lifeless mind drifted away, to a place where her mother's warmth and smile awaited. "Jesus wept", the pastor proclaimed. "Wait…what?" Her mind thudded back into the now, "Why was Jesus weeping? Who were those tears for?" She couldn't remember, but her heart sensed a drop of love searing through the ice. Her mind marinated those words, "Jesus wept", and pondered "Does Jesus understand the pain of loosing a loved one forever? Does He understand how I felt when my mother was torn away?"

That night in the living room, Emma was busy having a staring contest with an insect when her father bugged her. She lost. He sat her upon his lap, and stroked her hair. "How are you doing?", he asked. She rolled her eyes and mumbled, "Fine". He proceeded to tell Emma how she should be dealing with pain in a mature and healthy way. He rambled on about some other stuffs too, but she was still annoyed that she lost. "…and she said that she did believe in Him, that she felt peace leaving you behind because she knew that He will take care of you. Can you believe that? After all these years, she has finally accepted her Savior", he smiled slightly while squeezing his daughter. Emma did not respond, but her mind started to register what her father was saying. Before she passed away, her mother found peace. If there was anything fortunate about this event, it would be this moment when Emma realized that her mother was currently in heaven. Another drop of love, then another, and another, till finally, the ice cracked, allowing the stream to pour into her heart. She wept. Jesus sat her upon His lap. He did not speak comforting words, He did not try to console her. He simply wept.

Was this God's way of answering her prayers? Not to heal her mother's body, but to save her soul? Emma still didn't know. However, Jesus was no longer a hypocrite. He understood the sorrow of losing His beloveds, the grief of being torn apart from them. She knew that His patience and mercy won her mother over while on her deathbed. Death lost.